101 Least Appropriate Things To Say At A Funeral


From FAL Brand Funny Pages
1996

  1. I should have said something earlier... but I really, really need his kidney.
  2. Down in front!
  3. Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon.
  4. Better him than me.
  5. Pick it up - I've got Jazzercise at four.
  6. Whoa. I didn't know we were supposed to dress up.
  7. Hey, let's order a pizza!
  8. These pants sure do ride up...
  9. You look like you've seen a ghost.
  10. Boy, you wouldn't believe the day I'm having.
  11. Do you validate?
  12. Where's the buffet line?
  13. Did he pay you to come, too?
  14. Aw, shut up, Padre!
  15. Who's the dead guy?
  16. Pull my finger.
  17. I just wet myself.
  18. He was impotent, you know.
  19. Well, the fact remains he bounced a check to my firm.
  20. Is that my beeper - or is he still wearing his?
  21. Yahtzee!
  22. I want a second opinion.
  23. See, kids? This is what God does to the bad ones.
  24. How much for the long black coffee table?
  25. Can I put my drink here?
  26. Get up, Jimmy! It's not funny anymore!
  27. Would you mind if I squeezed his pimple?
  28. Eeewwww! What cheap flowers!
  29. Who wants Trident?
  30. Is the karoake after this part?
  31. If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!
  32. And to think I postponed vacuuming my car for this.
  33. He won't be needing that tie anymore, will he?
  34. Got any smack?
  35. He looks so peaceful... you'd never know he's burning in Hell right now.
  36. Did you know his legs aren't really in there?
  37. I could go for some flan right about now.
  38. This is duller than Incredible Universe, but you don't have to walk as much.
  39. I'm not getting any aura off him at all.
  40. Does anyone have dibs on his parking space?
  41. Lookit all that nose hair! Gross!
  42. First time in years I've seen him with his hair combed.
  43. That's the jacket he wore to his Junior Prom!
  44. I think you should know... I'm carrying his seed.
  45. Anybody home?
  46. Stand back - I know CPR!
  47. Which way to the Dunk Tank?
  48. He moved! I saw!
  49. Made you look!
  50. He never liked you.
  51. Good riddance! More Spaghettios for me.
  52. You call this "mourning"? Where's your enthusiasm?
  53. He looks all spongy.
  54. Donkey basketball, anyone?
  55. You're probably wondering why I called you all here tonight.
  56. He always wanted to be buried in taffeta.
  57. Excuse me, you're sitting on my hacky sack.
  58. Well, there's one less Canadian they'll have to kick around.
  59. Pass the pork rinds, Ma.
  60. Crushed velvet makes me so hot!
  61. Put the Ouija board on top of the coffin, and let's get crackin'!
  62. He's wearing "Vernal Noon" from Mary Kay. I'll be taking orders after the internment.
  63. Hey - let's take the funeral procession through the Taco Bell drive-thru!
  64. By the power of Greyskull...
  65. Did you drop this gum?
  66. That veil brings out the tiger in me... g-r-r-r-r-r-r.
  67. I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight...
  68. Stall long enough, and you never have to return their tools.
  69. He's dead, Jim!
  70. Finally, I can get a picture of him with his mouth shut. Say "cheese".
  71. The ground here gets so cold in the winter... here, put this parka on him.
  72. Did you see that hysterical article about the 101 least appropriate things to say at a funeral?
  73. Don't worry, be happy!
  74. This is a direct result of their cancelling "VR.5".
  75. Thank heavens - no more homemade turkey jerky!
  76. Oh my gosh - you mean this isn't the Scientology seminar?
  77. It's about time he quit smoking.
  78. Paper or plastic?
  79. Three more minutes, and the pizza's free!
  80. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
  81. Is that your real hair?
  82. What's that... smell?
  83. Isn't that MacCaulay Culkin?
  84. Code Blue! Stat!
  85. The LOOP killed him, you know. Oliver Stone is pitching the treatment to Touchstone.
  86. Happy trails to you, until we meet again...
  87. At least the value of all that FAL stuff will go through the roof.
  88. Hi, I'm John Tesh.
  89. Ch-ch-ch-chia!
  90. Rayon killed this man.
  91. What a quitter.
  92. Somehow, this all reminds me of sizzling bacon.
  93. Did anybody check his pockets for coupons?
  94. He was a credit to his race.
  95. I can't stand lying anymore... I was his lover!
  96. He kinda looks like the MTV sports guy.
  97. You mean Dan Cortez?
  98. Check, please.
  99. Can I have that Kleenex when you're really done with it?
  100. Another three years, and I would've won the pool.
  101. Stick a fork in him - he's done.

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