Dear Miss Appropriate-Behaviour
By Miss Appropiate-Behaviour
FAL NEWS SERVICE
As a public service,
Ms. Appropriate Behaviour will counsel the asinine buffoons of the web-strewn virtual lonely heart's club,
officially referred to as The Internet.
She will respond to those nagging queries that come up in polite society.
As is her right,
she will also educate browsers on the finer points of modern etiquette.
Cell Phone Etiquette
It has come to Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour's attention that otherwise perfectly polite people are ignoring their dinner partners, cinematic plots, and oncoming traffic to discuss the minutia of their pathetic little lives on electronic conmmunication devices commonly referred to as cell phones.
These ubiquitous tools of Satan cause much more than highway casualties.
Imagine her horror when Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour's own daughter opted to divide her attention between this invasion of sanctity and selecting the proper ensemble for the Spring Cotillion. Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour momentarily took leave of her senses and flung the wretched device into the whirlpool of porcelain located behind the clearance rack.
After reimbursing Chez Chemise for the ensuing deluge, which resulted in their current water-damage half-price sale, Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour noticed a bulge in the Roto-Rooter gentleman's buttocks-revealing trousers. Assuming the bulge arose from that vile invention, Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour plunged her hand forcefully into his pocket only to discover that the gentleman was merely quite pleased to make her acquaintance - immensely pleased, indeed.
Incidentally, Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour takes pleasure in announcing that she has an escort for the Spring Cottillion. Her escort has numerous talents; among them, the ability use his snake as though it were an extention of his arm, thrusting it into the dark passages that become engorged in anticipation.
Dear Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour,
My husband goes through underwear like Kleenex. Our bottom dresser drawer is a graveyard of specimens with the waistbands stretched out, the seek looking like a dirt bike ramp or tattered as if Charlie Brown tried to make them into a ghost costume. It is so bad that he sometimes runs out of clean things to wear and he begins to wear mine. I’m at my wit’s end! Please advise.
-Shredder’s Wife
Gentle Browser,
Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour sympathizes with your situation, but she believes you need to face facts. As much as we would prefer that those around us behave properly, some of our loved ones will fall through the cracks. Perhaps the proper solution is to recycle the piles of jangled jockeys. Are you handy with a crochet hook or knitting needles? Perhaps you’re a quick draw with a glue gun? Visit your neighborhood craft store for ideas. Use them as stuffing for teddy bears you create. With a little wire for a frame and some spray paint, you could have a wreath that will be the envy of the neighborhood! Best of all, you and your husband will be creating memories together and family heirlooms to pass down to your children and grandchildren.
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Miss Appropriate-Behaviour
in a rare whimsical mood. Read more Q and A from our Archive
Dear Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour,
We have a neighbor who annoys the neighborhood all weekend every weekend with his buzzing leaf blower. I can’t ever sleep in on a Sunday morning; and whenever I ask him to turn it down, he suggests I have intercourse with myself. Any ideas? The police are uninterested.
-Sleepless in Granite Bay
Gentle Browser,
If there is anything Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour detests, it is an early-bird neighbor violating her beauty rest with leaf blowers, power mowers, or full construction crews! She has devised a few plans to nip this behaviour in the bud and will share the two best with you. The first is the simplest to enact. Simply turn your stereo system on during the early evening hours. Turn it up as loud as possible; then leave. Leaving is most important, allowing you to perform in a passive-aggressive manner. You cannot turn it down because you are not at home. Not only do you keep the busy bee up all night, you make it impossible for him to confront you. This should have him sleeping in quite late the next morning -- if he hasn’t moved out altogether. If your predicament is still living next door and still blowing his leaves around, you can always turn him in to the officials at the Green Party. It is an election year, and Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour does not believe that Ralph Nader has an abundance of photo opportunities at the moment. Mr. Nader may politely put that polluting, ozone-layer-depleting, blower where trees do not grow.
Dear Ms. Appropriate-Behavior,
My Gay Lover and I were departing after a hockey game, and I asked for a kiss good-bye. He said he was too embarrassed and doesn’t like public displays of affection. I don’t know why it bothers him so much. He says that he trusts me, so how do I get him to loosen up? Thanks.
-Handshake Instead of a Kiss
Gentle Browser,
Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour has disturbing news regarding your partner’s behaviour. The tone of your letter tells me that you are worried that he may be unfaithful or is, perhaps, unsure of his life-style choice; but the truth may be fundamental. Have you checked your breath? Halitosis is a dreadful, secret side-effect of the gay life-style. Have you any idea how potent stale semen-breath can be? It can put garlic to shame!
If, after a thorough oral hygiene make-over, your partner still isn’t tempted to thrust his tongue down your throat until he can taste your toes, you could keep a journal of the situations during which he has resisted your pleas. If you find that he does not seem passionate during testosterone-heavy events only, such as the hockey game you mentioned, it might be that he is showing his love and concern for your safety. The sort of people who attend such events do not look kindly on gay couples. Perhaps your partner simply wishes to avoid spending the night in the emergency room waiting for the physicians to reconstruct your face while pints of blood are quietly replacing the blood that is being washed off the bleachers at the hockey rink.
Frankly, the more Ms. Appropriate-Behaviour examines your “problem” the more she believes that you are an insecure, needy, high-maintenance queen who doesn’t deserve your dashing, thoughtful partner. She hopes that your partner might be interested in a 40-ish woman who will worship him and not ever ask for more than a peck on the cheek!
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